Inner Voice

Yesterday I attempted to make brownies, the non-primal kind. I don't know what possessed me to think that this would be a great idea. I guess I just had this insane wish for sweet chocolate and nothing, but nothing, was gonna stand in my way. I'm not sure what to do about that kind of craving. If something could knock me out before I do something stupid like that, I'd lose weight AND get sleep at the same time.

 Except I ran out of margarine. So I had the chocolate paste ready, but no way to grease the pan. So I left it in the fridge.

But then bad things happened. I grabbed a spoon. Oh yes I did.

Then I dipped that spoon into the paste (others would call it 'batter' but by then the whole thing resembled oreo cookie icing) AND PROCEEDED TO LICK THE SPOON. Then I did it again. And again. And again and again and again and again. Etc.

Today I got sick of it. Not sick from it, mind you, but just tired of the overly sugary weird texture of chocolate paste. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage and tossed the bowl and spoon in the sink but not before my waist literally expanded an inch.

Damn me and my bad ideas.

So, to ensure this doesn't happen again, I also threw out the remaining wheat flour that was in my pantry as well as the remaining granulated white sugar. I do have the rest of the sugar that's in my tin, for when people come over they like it in their coffee, etc. but for me I will stick with natural sweeteners like dates and honey.

Anyways, my inner voice was not in top form today. All that consciously ran through my head were the following:

• Do people not understand how awesome doing yoga in long underwear feels?

• Finally, after a year of sitting at home, things have started to get boring

• All these fun winter activities to do, and all I want is to hibernate.

• I ate so much chocolate goo, it literally squirted out my bum

•  Tassimo is a poor man's cappuccino maker (later I realized what I really meant was espresso maker, but you should be picking up what I'm putting down)
• If I was living my dream life, I'd be surrounded by books and beautiful things

• Yeah, you know what? I don't care

• There are no words to describe how much I love my long johns

• Why do I have to resemble Miss Piggy SO MUCH?!

• Like kindergarteners, I, too, need a designated nap time. 

  There you have it. My day in ten bullet points.

Sleepy

Well, Saturday was awesome :) I got to spend time with my bridesmaids, we found a bridesmaid dress that I love (and I think they like it too) and I got to try on my wedding dress!

One thing I'm particularly happy about is the fact that my dress actually fit. I was SO SCARED it wouldn't. Like seriously frightened. But it did up. It was tight, and it took some struggle, but it did up!

Now my only problem is this: What happens if I get down to my goal weight? What will my dress fit like then? Will it fit? Will it be too big? Now I have this fear that if I lose the weight I want to lose, my dress won't fit. What will I do then?

Bah, can't win.

It helped that day that one of my bridesmaids is on a strict diet, so eating well was easy while she was around. But when it was just my mom, sister and I, I slipped up and had a blueberry bagel. I couldn't help it. I have a tremendous weakness for those blueberry bagels and I only get one if it's available, which it isn't always.

Then Sunday I made a big pot of healthy stew. It was delicious. I was at home alone all day, and super tired. Saturday took a lot out of me, and I hardly got any sleep when I finally came home. So what did I do to stay awake? I made stew. And then I ate it. I seriously ate like 10 bowls of stew.

Although calorie-wise it is light compared to say, cheesecake, it is still volume heavy and I am scared to get on the scale. I really don't want to see a number higher than the one before.

Then yesterday morning which was Monday, I get a call at 7:10am from the supervisor at my work, where I only work casual, asking me if I could come in for the whole day. I said yes, since I'd like the money, but the problem was work starts at 7:30. So I hopped in the shower and tried to rush, but it wasn't gonna happen. I was not going to be at work on time.

Anyways, long short story is that I just could not wake up. I was sleepy. All I want lately are my jammies, a warm drink and a blanket. I don't know why I have no motivation to do anything else except comfort myself. I'm suspecting I'm a big of a hedonist. Pleasure before pain.

OBB part 2

Well, I'm starting up a routine. It's small, but I guess small is a good way to start.

I just have coffee in the morning. I'm never hungry in the am, so I figure it's useless to eat when I'm not hungry. I'll just end up feeling sluggish the rest of the day. I'm at home all day, so my mornings are when I check my mail and tidy the house.

Then for lunch I usually whip up a salad with grilled meats and some fresh veggies. Everything varies with what I have in my kitchen. Yesterday and the day before it was chicken. Today it will be steak.

Then I'm usually not hungry for the rest of the day. I know it sounds stupid, but supper is my worst enemy. I'm almost never hungry in the evenings but because it's 'suppertime' I feel obligated to eat. That, coupled with the fact that I genuinely love to put food in my mouth, makes it a mental battlefield to eat or not to eat. For the last year I've lost almost all the battles, but I think I've developed a few strategies to win them now.

1) RELAX.
Stressing myself out just makes me want to eat. So I purposefully put on relaxing clothes, get comfy on the couch and de-stress.

2) Drink Water and Tea
Sometimes just the act of bringing something to my lips and swallowing is enough to satiate me. (Get out of the barn, gutterbrain). I like calming teas, such as sleepytime, or lemon/honey and drink a few cups while I relax.

3) Exercise
I find that if I exercise right before suppertime, all I want to do afterward is rest. This goes hand in hand with drinking tea on the couch.

4) Read
This also goes hand in hand with drinking tea and relaxing on the couch. And it also works in with MDA's Law #10 Use your brain. What is reading, if not a mental exercise? And it also goes hand in hand (depending on how exciting your book is) with my fifth strategy, which is:

5) Sleep
Go to sleep early! If I'm relaxed, and satiated, and I've exercised and I've read a bit, I can go right to sleep, and catch a few extra winks. Which goes right with MDA's #6 Get Adequate Sleep.

I realize I'm fortunate to have the time to do all this. Some people work evening or night shifts, some people have children, and some people have evening activities that keep them away from home until 10pm. But right now this is what works for me. After 2 days I'm down to 196 pounds.

I'm very calm and happy at the moment. I'm not angry, or nervous, or upset or anything. It's a nice feeling :) I feel as if I'm on a track that will lead me to happiness and I'm looking forward to it!

My challenge today is to continue my routine. My challenge tomorrow will be interesting, because I will be spending the day in Winnipeg. I will have to find healthy meals for lunch and yes, supper. As long as I stay away from grains and keep my portions small I should be ok. Well, I'm not going to worry about that right this minute, there's no point.

Here's to keeping calm and carrying on.

Angry

It's 2:00am and I am ANGRY.

I'm hating my life right now. All I want to do is come home and go to sleep happy. Is that too much to ask?

I can't even turn the damn tv on. We got a new receiver/speakers and fiancee never showed me the ropes, and every button I push either doesn't do anything productive or it makes things worse. And when I asked fiancee about it, he's so drunk (from both booze and sleep) he can't give me a straight answer.

I hate him. And I hate the tv.

I don't know what to do with myself. I didn't go for a walk today. I can't get adequate sunlight because it's winter in Manitoba and that means darkness from 5pm to 8am. I didn manage to avoid grains today, whoohoo. But I didn't play. Although I did use my brain, sort of.

We play darts on wednesday, because that is what fiancee likes to do for fun. Don't get me wrong, I like playing darts too. But I like to be home by 10 on a wednesday night and tucked into bed on an empty stomach. What I don't like to do is come home at 11pm half drunk and pissed off because not only did I not avoid grains by drinking, I also drank pop with it as well. And not only that, I can't sleep after drinking, and I'm wired from being around a lot of people.

Suffice to say, I dread Wednesday nights.

I mean, I brushed my teeth, and I can still taste stale diet 7 and rye on my breath.

And the damn TV won't work. So I can't even watch some tv or a movie to try and drift off to sleep. I'm stuck wandering around like an idiot. I even baked 2 potatoes and ate them with shredded cheese and butter in an attempt to pass the time.

Ugh, I have to go brush my teeth again.

And what's REALLY pissing me off is the fact that the sweater that used to be just right, and then became WAY to big (to my everlasting pleasure) is now starting to become fitted again.

AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST CAN'T FUCKING WIN!!

I'm all alone in this battle against food. I have no ally, and I have no help. And the whole thing just makes me want to cry.

Huh, how about that. After my meal of potatoes and cheese, my nose stuffed up like crazy.

OK. List of things to avoid.

Grains
Potatoes
Cheese
.................

I seriously hate my life. Everything about it sucks. How do I change this without hurting anyone? How do I know I'm making the right decision if I decide to be proactive?

Wah Wah Wah.

Whoa

Since last year I have gained 20 pounds. I suppose it's not the end of the world, but how does a girl gain all that weight without being pregnant??!?

I'm really ashamed of myself. Last year I worked really hard to lose those 40 pounds. And I worked hard at maintaining it. I know when I lost my job my whole life changed, and there really isn't anything work-wise available around these parts except nurses and daycare workers (which I was not about to start doing - I like to earn money at things that don't involve wiping people's butts or telling a kid that's not my kid to behave), and I fell into a sort of depression. But is that any excuse?? Is it!?

Right now I weight 197 pounds.

I know weight isn't everything, but it sickens me to say type those numbers '197'.

Fuck, I'm so disappointed in myself.

Well, there's only one thing to do, isn't there.

Get myself back on the wagon.

I followed Mark's Daily Apple and the Primal Blueprint, which is how I lost all that weight last year. When I stopped following those blueprints, I gained the weight back.

So, I guess my only choice right this moment is to get back into the primal groove, and figure out why I went off the primal path in the first place.

1. Eat just plants and animals.
2. Avoid poisonous things.
3. Move frequently at a slow pace
4. Lift heavy things
5. Sprint once in a while
6. Get adequate sleep
7. Play
8. Get adequate sunlight
9. Avoid stupid mistakes
10. Use your brain

Holy crap I really have fallen off the wagon. As I was typing all this, my mind is going 'Riiiiiight, totally have not done this' for every law.

Well, this is my checklist. At the end of every day, I need to confab with myself and check off each one. If I haven't done it, then I'll make it a priority for the next day.

OBB (Operation Beautiful Bride) Part One

So I went for an hour long walk with Peggy Sue, my beagle puppy. She loved every minute of it. I did fine until the last 10 minute stretch. My thighs were getting numb from the cold, and my feet were getting sore from breaking in my new snow boots. But all in all, it was a good start.

I wasn't planning on having supper. I wasn't hungry at all. But it my head I was thinking it's supper time, so that means I have to have supper, right? My fiancee is the opposite of me. I wish to aspire to some of his eating habits. He eats carrots and apples, like a horse, for snacks. For some reason I got a crazy sweet tooth craving, and I baked brownies. Except I put in almond extract when it called for vanilla, because I was out of vanilla. And that ended up making the brownies kinda weird-tasting. So Fiancee only had 2 pieces. But I had three.

Then I fell asleep early, on the couch. When we finally went to bed, I had a nightmare about my wedding dress being so completely ill-fitting and tight and just entirely WRONG. It sounds shallow, I know, but I think it's the equivilent of standing up in front of the whole class naked. As a bride, you're generally the center of attention for a whole day. That is a lot of pressure for someone who doesn't like crowds.

 I woke up in a panic at 3:15am and proceeded to load up a plate with brownies, accompanied with a big glass of milk. After a bite or two, I admitted to myself that I really only liked the top of the brownies, which were more fudgy. So I broke off all the pieces that were left, discarded the bottoms, and put the tops on my plate. After eating about half of it, I admitted to myself I was making my body sick. So I threw the rest of it into the trash and finished the rest.

Now I can't stop farting (because milk and grains will do that to me) and I feel sick with food.

Am I a complete idiot? I feel like pavlov's dog. There's a bell ringing in my head, and I start salivating for more.

It's now 5:30am and I'm starting to feel tired again. I'm watching MASH and doing the dishes in between episodes. My goal is to finish the whole series before I start getting into the holiday spirit. It's only November 20 and some people already have their trees up and houses decorated. I'm determined not to be one of those people, especially since my holiday is on Dec. 21 and it's not a commercial holiday.

Anyways, I guess we'll see what happens. I'm not going to put anything down on paper as to what I'm going to do, because I seriously don't know where to start. Except maybe throwing out all the baking supplies in my house...

Operation Beautiful Bride

Yes, I know it's stupid. But there ya have it. We're all pretty stupid so let's just go with it. Most women watch their weight and have their own beauty treatments and love pretty clothes. I'm going to admit that I want the same things.

In 5 days I am going to try on my wedding gown. We're also picking out bridesmaid dresses. I'm thinking navy blue. I'm also thinking that I am going to be the fattest, most flabbiest person there. And that is completely and totally depressing.

So I HAVE to change this. Hence Operation Beautiful Bride.

I'm not sure where to start. There are so many things I need to change. I guess the first thing would be meal portions. And cutting out grains and processed sugar within those meals.

Second thing is exercise. What is proper? Does walking count, or is that extra? Should I start a small routine and then build up from there? Research...

I've already started my meals today. I'm sad to say that they were not on my agenda, but it seemed to be appropriate for my stomach, even though in my mind I knew they were not.

I suppose I ought to try and be more mindful as well.

I could probably re-name this whole blog Confessions of a Lazy Fart. Such is my activity level. I'm not a gamer or a couch potato. I just lead a really boring life. If I'm not at my desk working, I'm reading my books or driving in my car. I need to do more things that involve heavier physical activity than typing on a keyboard.

So what's the key? What unlocks the door to the room of thinness?

Or is it like a city apartment, with 7 different locks and two deadbolts?